Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Been There, Done That...And Then I Woke Up.

Recurring dreams. Trying to figure out the rhyme and reason...break the code.

When I was a little girl I used to dream of flying. I've read that flying dreams are supposed to be happy, but they never were for me. In the dreams I wore a tin vest...like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz...but they started (I think) before I saw the movie. The recurring part of the dream is being on the ground...about to play, about to be happy...and suddenly (and against my will) I would lift off the ground. And I would be sad.

For years now I've had various versions of a dream where the third floor of a house or building is bad...haunted by evil. Sometimes it's beautifully decorated but there is just something cold, dirty, scary...out of place. I had a friend explain very astutely what certain elements of the third floor dream mean...but not the actual meaning of it being the third floor.

I dream about my mother a lot; about her loving me some day. Sometimes about her hating me. These dreams happen in cycles. But they always come back. It makes me wonder if you ever work through an estrangement like that. Do you ever let go of the baggage?

One of the saddest dreams I ever had was about someone poisoning my dogs. I look at them and they look at me with love and trust, but I know it's too late. I know I can't save them.

I dream about the house I lived in as a child...going back there and finding happiness. Like I left there too soon...had something left to do?

I have dreams of someone breaking into my house. It used to be where I always escaped. Now in the dreams I escape but worry that they are harming my pets. Of course I have the element where I cannot manage to call 911...keep hitting the wrong buttons.

(What the hell is it with me and houses?)

Some days I wake up happy and other days depressed. On those days -- feeling either extreme of emotions -- I wish I could know what last I dreamt.

If there is a heaven...and a God...when you die do you finally get all the pieces to the puzzle? Do you get to smack yourself on your incorporeal forehead and say, "OH! That's what it all meant! Thank you!"

While typing the last paragraph the words, "In search of answers to questions unknown." I did what any chick with a laptop would do when they cannot recall the source...I Googled it. John Denver, Calypso. The lyrics are really appropriate...amazing how the mind works:

To sail on a dream on a crystal clear ocean
To ride on the crest of a wild raging storm
To work in the service of life and the living
In search of the answers to questions unknown
To be part of the movement and part of the growing
Part of beginning to understand...

Like the dolphin who guides you
You bring us beside you
To light up the darkness and show us the way
For though we are strangers in your silent world
To live on the land we must learn from the sea
To be true as the tide
And free as the wind-swell
Joyful and loving in letting it be.
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